| well I guess it's time for another one. |
[12 Nov 2006|12:17pm] |
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mood |
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 envious |
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Okay, so. I haven't updated this in forever. Wanna hear the news? You probably don't...but oh well.
So that problem I had in the last entry was that I loved someone who said they loved me then the next day got all confused about it and I didn't know what to do.
So basically...what happened was.....a few months later, August 18th 2006, we got together.....2 months and 6 days later, October 23rd 2006, we broke up.....because they're kinda far away and the distance was a problem for them and maybe the confusion came back, I'm not quite sure and it's really complicated...and I love them still....and a few days later, November 4th [24 days before my bday] they started dating someone else.........
So yeah.
They still say they love me...and I believe them...but that person is there while I'm here...and I didn't make them happy.......idk...maybe if I was there it woulda worked out, maybe not, who knows...but they promised me another chance for us later in life...they said they'd make sure we had another chance...which I hope happens...but idk.
I was so happy...I lost all my depression...I was...everything made me smile...I could think of this person out of nowhere and just smile for hours on end.....
Then we broke up and I wasn't okay with that really but it was okay at first because the way it ended it like...it didn't really feel like it was over...we only ended the offical relationship title...not the feelings and shit...and it just...idk...I thought we'd get back together...soon....because I'm getting my license and shit and so are they and just...idk...I thought we would...when they got someone else...that's when I lost it.
I mean...life wasn't worth it after that. I didn't wanna be here. I still get physically sick to my stomach when I think of them even talking.....which they do...and probably more...but that's not the point...the point is like my cousin Kristen said..."I thought you two were so perfect together" and it's all summed up in what I replied "yeah...me too".
We were so perfect together. So perfect.
And now we're just...nothing.
idk...we still talk and I still love them and they still love me........I think. idk...
I hate living here.
I hate being sick.
I hate a lot of things...and it never gets any easier.
When we broke up, I was thinking, but didn't say, that I hoped we got together by my bday or something...idk...so I could at least have a happy birthday...for ONCE in my life...I mean, it's the big 21 coming up...I'd like to have a good birthday for once. I don't know. Too much to ask I guess.....
But anyways, when they got that other person, it's like I died right there. I knew the birthday thing wasn't happening. They're with someone else now.
I knew they liked this person...but I mean...why then? why so soon? If someone asks you out you DON'T have to say yes [at least not right away after you get out of another relationship]...hell, they said no to me for months until we finally got together but that person is good enough to get with the first time they ask? Why can't I be like that? Why can't I be good enough like that?
I hate feeling so worthless. I hate crying. I hate all of this.
I wish I could be good enough.
I wish they coulda talked to me...tell me when it started to go wrong and maybe I coulda done something about it. I wish they wouldn't have just given up.....I wish they'd take this pain away...
I wish they weren't with who they are right now...maybe then at least I could move on...so I didn't think about them with someone else all the time and be stuck with it.....
I don't know..................
I don't know anything anymore.
I wish life wasn't so complicated.
I wish I had someone to talk to about this...that really understood...that could tell me what to do.
I don't know.
I wish I was that person they're with.
...I wish I was the one they chose...for once.
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| *sigh* |
[18 Jun 2006|08:17pm] |
So I'm all up and down with my moods again. I was doing wo well too... I was all happy and everything and now I'm all... not... and then fine again [not happy really, but content] and then not... and then fine... and then not... and yeah... it goes back and forth... but more back then forth.
Only one thing will really make me happy again... but that may never happen. I'm waiting for it though... I mean... it's a possibility... but I'm starting to doubt it'll happen. I'd give ANYTHING for it though.
So, yeah.
Plus I kinda feel abandoned by all my friends right now... I mean, I can't talk to my best, beyond all, best friend, Cynthia... and Shannon and Amber haven't really been on in a while... since before this all happened... several months. And Coco hasn't been on in a little over a month... and then Chelbie, and Elsean both kinda stopped talking to me the other day... at pretty much the same time... and I haven't talked to Kristin in a while though I want to... and then I called Amanda and she said she had to go and would call me back and never called me back.... and etc...
So here I am, feeling like i'm dying and basically I have no one.
So, thank god I met Christa. She's amazing. Not even Cynthia could make me happy last night, and Christa did. Seriously, she's amazing. I've known her like... 3 days? and she's becoming one of my best friends already! :)
So, [and I'm aware I say "so" a lot... lol] right now I'm not sure what I am... but no one's on[not even Christa] and so I tend to get a little mixed in those moments because I'm left with only my thoughts and no one to stray me from them... and my thoughts tend to be a major jumble right now. I mean, my thoughts are so clear... but then my fear and the little thing inside me that says I'll never get what I want, doesn't help me at all.
All this advice from everyone is kinda helping, some of it, and kinda not.... because while it gives me all sorts of advice and everything, the advice jumbles my brain. I mean, I want so much to believe the people who tell me this will all turn out alright, but then I understand the people who tell me it probably won't and it's best I just move on.
All I can say is that I'm not going to just move on.
This is my personal thought. You know how people say "if you love someone, let them go"? Well, I say.... that's completely wrong. If you really love someone, you'll prove it to them and show them you love them and you're not giving up and that you'll fight til the death for them, because you'll never really be happy without them anyways and if you still fail, at least you went down swinging.... you know? That's just my personal thought.
*sigh*
I don't know.
This whole entry thingy had a point when I started it but I started it a few hours ago and got sidetracked and forgot to come back to it and kinda forogt my point so now I'm basically just rambling... lol. I don't know. I just... I wish everything would turn out the way I want... because I'll die if it doesn't.
Oh yes, and I wish my dreams could come true, because I've had some super hot nice dreams lately... lol. One's I'd kill for to be real. Yeah.
Alright... so I'm gonna go now. *sigh*
<3 Teri.
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| blah |
[20 May 2006|10:48am] |
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mood |
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music |
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"Pieces" by Sum 41 |
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Okay, so. Yesterday I woke up feeling just really good. I was happy almost all day yesterday. I talked to a ton of people... which is so unlike me lately. A few new people in there too. Therese was amazing. Hilarious as ever.
( I GOT SHOT! )
Then There was Amanda [I think that's her name... it said that when she added me on Yahoo so it automatically comes up as that on her name and I don't remember if she told me her name or not... so I'm assuming here] who got me all super Gerard story inspired.
And Celia a little bit... and I KNOW there were some more people... damn memory problems.
But then my Cynthia finally got on and she wasn't having the greatest of days... but she left happy... or so she said and seemed... and so that was nice...
And so when Cynthia left I was still all Gerard inspired but I can't update til Shann does... so Shannon... UPDATE! Anyways... I ended up writing in the Gerard story... and I have like 5 pages written... and usually I make each chapter about a page long... but I decided what I've written so far is about 2 chapters actually... maybe one... but there's a clear part where I could cut it into two chapters... so I may do that. But anyways... I want to post them... but I can't... ho hum.
And so I was all happyish when going to bed. And one thing that I can for sure definitely say that I hate, is the fact that I'm only happy on days when Cynthia isn't and Cynthia's only happy on days when I'm not. That sucks *ss.
So anyways... I wake up at 8 something am this morning, to my mother and sister arguing about chips. Then they decide to come in and talk to me at 8 effing am on a Saturday morning. Then I was about asleep again when my DAD started writing me on Yahoo. Grrr. So needless to say, I'm still awake and it's 11am now... yeah.
But anyways, I posted the pics that I made for Zui and basically did nothing this morning. I went to bed so happy and wake up so sad... it's like... I don't know.
I just... I don't even know. I don't even not know. I don't even make sense.
I can't explain it.
My music hates me right now.
My mom and I were talking this morning... and I don't know how to feel about something she said...
Things have been really weird lately.
Like, the entire past two years I've been caged and like... unwanting to do anything? I don't know how to say it. But I've been here... and now it's like...
The people I want to be here for and with, they don't want to be here anymore. They consider being here, turning into something they hate. And that REALLY sucks for me...
But like... I was thinking of asking to go to the store. Something. Anything. I never leave my house. Lately I've been going outside a lot... which is unusual for me. And I've been wanting to go places... and like... I can picture things and I just... I'm ready to get up and move on....
But I don't think it's because I want to... I think it's because I have no choice. I'd stay here forever if the people I wanted to be here with were here with me.
Why do old friends lose touch? Why is it impossible to stay friends with someone forever?
I know I'm not making a lot of sense here and I'm skipping subjects a lot but I have certain things that I'm not allowing myself to say... and that forces my vague-ness.
"Are you afraid of being alone? Cuz I am. I'm lost without you. Are you afraid of leaving tonight? Cuz I am. I'm lost without you."
There are certain things I wish to come out and say to someone... but I can't. It's so complicated. There's been moments when it's been led into and I had the perfect opportunity to say something... but I just can't. I freeze up. I don't know.
I don't want to change anything.
I want things to stay the same.
Okay, so... changing topic and subject again.
Cynthia and I made a pact to never go more than a year without talking to each other. To which I said a year was a hell of a long time... lol. But yeah, even that helps. If we weren't friends anymore... I'd die. She is my everything. I love her to bits and pieces.
( Cynthia )
"Nobody ever cared as much for me. Nobody's touched my heart and healed my pain. You've picked up the pieces and put me back together again."
So yeah.
I don't even know what else to say.
I know there's an underlying tone to everything I'mk saying... even if no one else is picking up on it... and I know that it kills me to have this underlying tone and I feel like I'm wicked obvious but I don't want to be. I'm so afraid. Every word I say, every corner I turn... fear keeps me here. Fear keeps me quiet.
Yeah. Sorry for wasting the time of whoever read this with my mismatched and inconsistent thoughts.
Cynthia, ASK! Please? [the summer thing] because I'm waiting on you asking before we figure out dates and summer's coming up fast and we need dates and whatever else but we need to know if you can come or not, first. [[[I love you, Cynthia.]]]
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| I don't know. |
[16 May 2006|04:32am] |
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mood |
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 depressed |
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music |
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"Miss Murder" by AFI |
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Okay, so... I don't know. I guess I'll write my feelings.
I truely and completely feel like a JERK.
No, I AM a Jerk.
I don't know how to control my emotions. I flip on people for little things and make them feel like shit because of my own problems that have nothing to do with them at all and I don't know why I do and I don't know how to stop doing that.
I just get so flip-floppy with my moods lately. I can be so happy one second, crying the next, and ready to rip someone's head off right after that... and then as soon as I flip out, I realize I'm such a jerk and I shouldn't have said anything I said even if someo fo it was true and I feel so bad for saying it.
I wish I could get that jerk feeling thing right BEFORE I said the things... then I wouldn't say them... and I'd like that so much.
I have to keep asking my best friend to forget things because I say them and don't mean them and that's horrible, no one should have to deal with that.
Sometimes, I'll make her feel like a horrible friend, but really I'm the horrible friend. I know I do it, and I tell myself I won't do it ever again, but then I'll just get so mad over something so small that she does and I'll turn it into to so much more than it is... and I don't even realize until after I do it... and it's so not fair to her, or anyone else I do it to... and I don't know.
I mean... she deserves better... everyone deserves better... maybe I should remove myself from their lives, that way, they can get what they deserve and not my stupid horrible-ness.
I feel really bad, and it's not okay.
It's so not okay. I shouldn't do that. I don't mean to do that. I try not to. I try to stop myself... I just can't control myself. It's not fair to them.
Then my best friend will tell me it's okay, afterwards... and I know it's not... and her saying it is is like she's saying it's perfectly acceptable for me to get like this and hurt her and then take it back... and that's not acceptable. It's NOT okay. It's wrong. I kinda just wish she'd blow up at me and scream at me or something about it... because then maybe I wouldn't do it anymore.
See, I can be directly in the middle of the flipping out thing and not to the realizing I'm wrong stage yet, and the moment she shows she's hurt, I just like change... it's not about me being mad anymore... it's about her being hurt and me having to make her better. I love her so much and I want nothing in this world more thanher happiness.
Other people, I won't stop flipping until I've realized, but her... I'll stop when I realize she's hurt...
I feel so horrible and evil for doing this to people...
No, I AM horrible and evil.
I should be banned from having friends and knowing people.
I'm a bad person.
I try to be good and nice... it just doesn't always work.
I'm sorry... to everyone I've done it to... and to everyone I ever will do it to...
I'm a bad person.
Hate me... then I can't hurt you. Don't ever love me, I don't deserve love.
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| WHAT I WHAT I WHAT I WOULDN'T DO TO WIPE ALL YOUR PAIN AWAY... |
[08 Jan 2006|11:44pm] |
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worried |
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"What I Would't Do" by Justincase |
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Okay, so I'm just gonna keep this plain and simple. I'm going to write "deleted-ed-ed" and leave it at that even though this was never deleted. The person it's for if they read it will know what it's about.
I love you person you know who you are.
Here's a song just for you:
Wipe the residue before it's too late girl
And start your step again before you fall down now
Bear the load until you can bear down on the loaded
Sling your rock and hit the love that you've been missing
[Chorus:]
What I, what I, what I wouldn't do
To wipe all your pain away
What I, what I, what I wouldn't do
To walk the road you've walked along
If you looked here
Would it be too much to ask
If you looked where you have been glancing past
All those boys who
Have been here for you
What I wouldn't do
Peel the layers and take your test this moment
Hold your head high and stare down all the twisted
[Chorus]
Even though you're used to leaving things
I just wanna be the last one gone
If you looked here
Would it be too much to ask
If you looked where you have been glancing past
All those boys who
Have been here for you
What I wouldn't do
For you
~"What I Wouldn't Do" by Justincase.
Sorry, it was the best I could come up with at the moment and that song means a lot to me...
I would do anything to make you better even if only a little bit.
<3 Teri
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| I'M TRYING TO KEEP IT TOGETHER BUT I'M FALLING APART |
[27 Dec 2005|05:36pm] |
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mood |
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depressed |
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Yeah... So I'm in New York... what happens? Let me start when we get here (Christmas Eve)... There's always a big get together on Chrismtas Eve... First thing, my sister Theresa comes outside before we even get in the house and tells me that she's pregnant. She's like "Want to hear something before Dad tells you?" and I was like "what?" and she goes "you're gonna be an aunt again." and my mom goes "by who?" and she goes "me!" so yeah... she took a pregnancy test the day before Christmas Eve and it told her that she's pregnant... Yeah... so she's pregnant... then I go inside and argh... I have to finish this later... my dad's calling me... brb...
Okay, so I'm back... anyways... I finally get inside and then my dad tells me I have to follow him... so I do... into the back room and then he keeps telling me I have to sit down so I sit and then I get up to go back out into the living room where mostly everyone I want to see is at and he just keeps telling me to sit down so I do... then he just leaves the back room... after no purpose of me being there... so I stay there... and then after a couple hours... my cousin Kristen comes in for a minute to say hi and then my cousin Kate comes in about an hour after that and Kate's like "oh... so you're too good to come say hi to me now?" and then I feel bad... but I wanted to say hi... and then I wanted her to come whe i couldn't leave and she didn't until then. Anyways... so she's there for a minute... yells at me that she hates me because my new cell phone is better than her new cell phone... and then sits on me and then la da da... about 20 minutes later she's leaving already...
Let me go back for a minute to the past 5 or 6 years... EVERY Christmas Eve I spend the night at Kate's house and then go to her grandparent's or her aunt and uncle's house with her and her mom...
Back to the present... Kate's leaving... with her dad and our Uncle Joe... Kate's driving them to the bar and then she's going to hang out there until they're done drinking because she's the designated driver. or the "dd" as she keeps saying so clearly. So yeah... hug and then... "I'm leaving so I won't see you again til this summer" from Kate... my favorite relative and one of the only reasons I still come to New York.................... So yeah... Kate's gone... I'm still there... I get all depressed and hang out in the corner til everyone leaves... I got 4 presents... (from out of over 50 people) but oh well... then yeah... I don't remember much else... I got online and talked to Cynthia for a while... she helped me not be so stressed out and then I went to bed.
I wake up. My mom wakes me up. Yeah... Christmas sucked. I sat in a room full of people and cried for a good half an hour or more and not a single person noticed... and if they did then they didn't care... Talked online to Cynthia, highlight of my day... Kristen sat on me... Kristen hit my computer and it went off... big family dinner.... Talked to my Uncle David for a while... he makes me feel kinda nice... he kept saying "good for you" and shit to everything that everyone else would have yelled at me over... like the fact that I write stories and don't work or that I don't drive... (everyone [pretty much] hates him... but I don't) Then my dad tells me he's spending the night at his girlfriend's house... and I say "okay." because what else could I say? it wasn't like he asked... he just told me he was.
Let me explain the girlfriend. This lady is my aunt. My dad's cousin Tom, married a lady named Debbie... Tom died about a year ago... a few months after he died, my dad started dating Debbie. I do not care if it's by marriage... that lady is my aunt. It disgusts me.
So yeah... he's spending Christmas night with his gf... fine. Next day, dad comes home... I've been up since 10:30am because my mom and Anna wake me up... I've been talking to Cynthia... dad makes me leave. I don't want to. Cynthia gets to hear how much I don't want to go... lol... I'm sick and Debbie makes me even more sick and she's going too... but I have to go... they're going to the mall... so we go get Courtney, and then we go to the mall... get some drinks and Courtney and Anna go look at hermit crabs and then we head off down the rest of the mall... Anna complaining the whole time that she wants to go to Toys R Us the whole time because all she has that she brought with her is $45 in Toys R Us gift certificates... Wait outside of Aeropostale for Courtney and then she comes out and we're walking away and we hear "hey! hey!" so we turn around and it's my Uncle Paul and my cousin Steven... then we talk to them... and someone else comes up to us that I think I knew once upon a time but my dad knew anyways... and then they all talk and then finally we go to leave and Debbie sees someone she knows in Sears (we parked outside of the Sears entrance so we had to leave through Sears) and then we stop and talk to them for a few minutes... and then we're just at the exit and someone ELSE pops up that my dad knows... and all I want to do is leave... anyways... when we finally did... we drove over to Toys R Us and then my dad and Courtney had to point out every single damn thing that was pointless and then Anna had decided she wanted some stupid little things (which I was told I wasn't allowed to let her get by my mom) and then finally Anna sees an acoustic guitar for $40 and I (don't have to do much... but I) talk her into getting that... so she puts everything else back... and so then we finally go pay... Anna has a guitar now... then we're supposed to go to Olive Garden for dinner because my dad got a $40 gift certificate to there from my sister Rachel... and so he left it at Debbie's house... so we go to pick it up... and we're there for like half an hour... and her house is creepy... she has puzzles all over the place and cat stuff everywhere... she has these furred statues that just freak me out.
So then we leave, finally... and then we get down the street and Debbie asks if my dad got the gift certificate......... which he didn't......... so we go back... and then Debbie goes in and gets it... and then we get to Olive Garden like half an hour later and it's got like 40 people in the waiting room so we decide to go to The China Buffet instead... I eat a plate... get yelled at because I haven't eaten since the pizza two days before that... and then get yelled at more because I only ate 3/4 of a plate there... I can't help it... I'm not hungry. And I'm not going to eat unless someone I LIKE asks me to. No, fuck that... if I'm not hungry then I'll only eat if CYNTHIA asks me to. Not a damn other person in this world can ask me to eat when I'm not hungry and have me listen. It really doesn't bother me at all to go a week without eating or anything. I'm fat. I am. I'll fix it.
Anyways... (now I'm getting sidetracked a little... back to the main point) So we leave... then we're walking around the plaza... because Courtney wants to go to Coconuts... and then we do... and yeah... I find a ton of MCR shit and buy it all... lol... but of course I make my dad go wait in line for me... lol... So yeah... I buy shit... get happy... leave... go tell Cynthia about it at home... watch Spiderman 2 and Elf... Debbie sits basically on my dad, and right next to me on the couch... and Anna says later to Debbie "I think you're going to be my new step mom." and then Debbie laughs and Anna says "but that's okay because I think I like you..." and then Debbie and my dad leave... he's spending the night at her house again... without telling me this time... my mom tells me bed at 1am... my dad's coming to pick us up at 9am in the morning...
10 minutes after my dad and Debbie leave, my grandma and my cousin Kristen come back and then my grama goes straight to bed.. because it's like midnight thirty and Kristen stays up... I go to write a chapter and she's like "make me a layout!!!" so I make her a layout... Fall Out Boy... and then turn it into a journal and she writes and then tells me to stay up and watch TV with her... so I'm up til 3am watching Room Raiders on MTV with Kristen... til she falls asleep... on top of me... then I get up (carefully) and go to bed... and Anna shoves me out of the bed in the middle of the night... and so I have to get up and back in the bed... no chapter that night... -sigh-
I get up (today)... at 10am... because my dad gets there late... and I'm complaining so I don't get up officially til 11... I just lay in bed and talk to my mom for the whole hour from 10 to 11... so yeah... then Kristen and my dad go pick up my Aunt Angie and Haleigh and they come over and I had already showered by then and shit and so I was ready to go but for some reason we didn't... then we wait... and wait... for hours.... and hours... and at like 4pm... we go to Courtney's like we were supposed to... then we come home and Debbie comes over... and they're like all kissing and shit... my dad and Debbie... cousins... kissing cousins... disgusting... anyways... my dad gives me a ring... it's nice... I like it... he actually gave it to me at Rachel's house... (Courtney's mom... my half-sister) Oh, and Theresa (my other half-sister) and Sadie (my neice) came to visit while we were at Rachel's... and I got to tell Rachel all about Warped Tour and she actually seemed like she cared unlike anyone else which is odd because Rachel's the family member I was never close to... I was always close to Theresa but tell Theresa something and expect everyone else to know within an hour... she's a gossip. She can't keep anything secret even if you tell her it's a secret. I just had to move so my mom couldn't read this because she sat down next to me just now... ANYWAYS... Debbie's still here... my dad gives her 2 rings... and he'd given her one the day before yesterday... Someone says dinner's ready... so I'm a little hungry... but not really... and my dad tells me to come eat... so I say, off topic and not meaning to argue about eating or anything "I have to write a chapter tonight" meaning I was upset I didn't get to write one the night before... and he goes "Don't feed me that crap, just come eat." wtf? anyways... I get up... and what's happens then? I walk in the kitchen and my grandma hands me a pan. I get to cook my own food. Ramen. Fine. Whatever. I'm cooking... Cynthia gets back... I want to talk to her... my dad won't let me... then I get done eating... and I can't be excused from the table... so I wait... and then I get back and Cynthia's gone... so I write this... and then she comes back and I'm still writing... not a lot of talking... but she was trying to cheer me up... before she left again... which is nice but as I said to her, she doesn't have to.
I don't know why Debbie pisses me off so much but she does. A bunch of other shit happened too but I don't remember... Oh, another thing that doesn't exactly fit in here in a timeline but is pissing me off, everyone keeps saying my hair got really long... and it's only grown about an inch since the summer... I know because I did the red a few days before coming here over the summer... and it's only grown out about an inch. I was thinking though... I did lose about 10 pounds since the summer... that could possibly be it... idk... but still... that really says how much they paid attention...........
Whatever. It doesn't matter.
A few other things are pissing me off too but I seriously can't think of them at the moment.
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| I AM TIRED! |
[22 Dec 2005|03:09am] |
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mood |
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 tired |
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music |
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"I Miss You" by And Then I Turned Seven |
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I am so tired yet here it is, 3am and I can't sleep... why? I can't sleep a lot lately... and I'm soooo tired... and bad things happen when I can't sleep... I give up when I can't sleep as some people can attest to... and then when I give up I send bad emails to people I care about that I don't mean... I want to sleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep. I'm tired. Why can't I sleep?
Someone knock me out. Someone make me sleep... please?
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| GERARD PICS |
[22 Oct 2005|06:13am] |
Someone asked me to make them some pics of Gerard and My Chemical Romance for them with their eyes in color and the rest on black and white... so I did that... here's the ones I made for them:
( clicky )
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